My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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