She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
