I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
