Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my poor anus
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
