I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
