Don't make out with my wife yet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
