Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
