I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
