I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
