so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
