Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
