I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
