all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
