I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
