Need sex. Gaining weight.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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