I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
