I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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