I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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