He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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