thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
