I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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