you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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