i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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