I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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