So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
