Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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