i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
