Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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