she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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