I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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