If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
