thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
