you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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