so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
