WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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