my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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