I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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