Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
