I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
