There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
