Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
