and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
