He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
