I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
