Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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