plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
