did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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