why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
