Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
