In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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